This script was for the skit performed by the National Capital Kin Club at "In the Sand in Two Thou-Sand", the Zone Convention for Zone Ottawa Valley, District 6 of the Kinsmen & Kinette Clubs of Canada. The convention was hosted by the Kinette Club of Eganville & District and was held in Eganville, Ontario on Saturday, April 8, 2000.

JUDGE: The defendant, Elizabeth Windsor, is charged with killing several lawyers. Who is prosecuting this case?

PROSECUTOR: D. Dewey of the law firm Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.

JUDGE: And who is defending the case?

DEFENDER: Charlie Cheatham of the law firm Dewey, Cheatham and Howe. The largest firm in Eganville since the unfortunate passing of many of our fellow lawyers.

JUDGE: How does the defendant plead.

DEFENDANT: They were only lawyers, your honor.

PROSECUTOR: Did you witness the defendant's car running over the lawyer Walter Plank and his dog?

WITNESS: No, but I heard a crash.

PROSECUTOR: Did the car try to avoid the lawyer?

WITNESS: Well, there were skid marks in front of the dog.

PROSECUTOR: What was the lawyer's condition when you found him on the road?

WITNESS: He said he was hurt but I thought he was lying.

PROSECUTOR: How could you tell?

WITNESS: His lips were moving.

PROSECUTOR: You were near the scene when the defendant allegedly pushed the three lawyers into the pond. What were your thoughts at the time?

WITNESS: There was not enough water in the pond.

PROSECUTOR: You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a woman of your background.

WITNESS: If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

DEFENDER: Did you have a relationship with the late attorney, Mr. Roger Shaft.

WITNESS: No, he was related to my neighbor.

DEFENDER: Did you have any business dealings with him.

WITNESS: One time, the lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, got into my butcher shop and stole a roast. I went to the lawyer's office and asked, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

JUDGE: This is your third lawyer. What happened to the first one?

DEFENDANT: He defended me when I was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted me.

JUDGE: Yes, I remember that. Later that day you came back and asked a warrant for his arrest.

DEFENDANT: Yes, your honor. I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole. After I had him arrested he wouldn't defend me again.

JUDGE: And the second lawyer. What happened to him?

DEFENDANT: I did some figuring about the bill he sent me. According to my calculations he should be 193 years old.

DEFENDER: What is the date of your birth?

DEFENDANT: July fifteenth.

DEFENDER: What year?

DEFENDANT: Every year.

PROSECUTOR: Regarding the incident with lawyer Plank, what gear were you in at the moment of impact.

DEFENDANT: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

PROSECUTOR: And what was the location of the accident?

DEFENDANT: Approximately milepost 499.

PROSECUTOR: And where is milepost 499?

DEFENDANT: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

DEFENDER: Did you blow your horn or anything?

DEFENDANT: After the accident?

DEFENDER: Before the accident.

DEFENDANT: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

PROSECUTOR: You are alleged to have pushed a bus load of lawyers off a cliff at the scenic lookout. Can you explain you actions.

DEFENDANT: I was collecting for the funeral of the late Roger Shaft, QC, and asked the Solicitor General, Marcus McFiddlin, for five dollars to help with the burial. He gave me a hundred and said to bury twenty of them.

DEFENDER: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

DEFENDANT: No. Why would I want to.

PROSECUTOR: You are alleged to have buried a lawyer up to his neck in a snow bank. What were you thinking?

DEFENDANT: It was a good start. The plow would be by soon.

PROSECUTOR: Was it that cold?

DEFENDANT: Well, the lawyer did have his hands in his own pockets.

JUDGE: Gentlemen and ladies, and I use those terms lightly, your line of questioning is quite appalling. When were you called to the bar?

PROSECUTOR: About ten minutes ago your honor.

DEFENDER: They're sampling scotch down at the Legion.

JUDGE: Oh. So you were invited by the defendant's Kinsmen drinking buddies?

DEFENDANT: Yes, your honor. Would you care to join us?

JUDGE: Very well. The defendant is sentenced to three years of community service with the Kinette Club of Eganville. Court adjourned.

National Capital Kin Club