This script was for the skit performed by the National Capital Kin Club at "In the Sand in Two Thou-Sand", the Zone Convention for Zone Ottawa Valley, District 6 of the Kinsmen & Kinette Clubs of Canada. The convention was hosted by the Kinette Club of Eganville & District and was held in Eganville, Ontario on Saturday, April 8, 2000.
Our thanks go to the convention organizers and to all of those members who braved the poor weather to attend.
Judge: Joe Brown
JUDGE: The defendant, Elizabeth Windsor, is charged with killing several lawyers. Who is prosecuting this case?
PROSECUTOR: D. Dewey of the law firm Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.
JUDGE: And who is defending the case?
DEFENDER: Charlie Cheatham of the law firm Dewey, Cheatham and Howe. The largest firm in Eganville since the unfortunate passing of many of our fellow lawyers.
JUDGE: How does the defendant plead.
DEFENDANT: They were only lawyers, your honor.
PROSECUTOR: Did you witness the defendant's car running over the lawyer Walter Plank and his dog?
WITNESS: No, but I heard a crash.
PROSECUTOR: Did the car try to avoid the lawyer?
WITNESS: Well, there were skid marks in front of the dog.
PROSECUTOR: What was the lawyer's condition when you found him on the road?
WITNESS: He said he was hurt but I thought he was lying.
PROSECUTOR: How could you tell?
WITNESS: His lips were moving.
PROSECUTOR: You were near the scene when the defendant allegedly pushed the three lawyers into the pond. What were your thoughts at the time?
WITNESS: There was not enough water in the pond.
PROSECUTOR: You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a woman of your background.
WITNESS: If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
DEFENDER: Did you have a relationship with the late attorney, Mr. Roger Shaft.
WITNESS: No, he was related to my neighbor.
DEFENDER: Did you have any business dealings with him.
WITNESS: One time, the lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, got into my butcher shop and stole a roast. I went to the lawyer's office and asked, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answered, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, wrote me a check for $8.50, cash was too ordinary for him, he said.
Several days later, I opened the mail and found an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. That was the extent of my dealing with him.
JUDGE: This is your third lawyer. What happened to the first one?
DEFENDANT: He defended me when I was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted me.
JUDGE: Yes, I remember that. Later that day you came back and asked a warrant for his arrest.
DEFENDANT: Yes, your honor. I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole. After I had him arrested he wouldn't defend me again.
JUDGE: And the second lawyer. What happened to him?
DEFENDANT: I did some figuring about the bill he sent me. According to my calculations he should be 193 years old.
DEFENDER: What is the date of your birth?
DEFENDANT: July fifteenth.
DEFENDER: What year?
DEFENDANT: Every year.
PROSECUTOR: Regarding the incident with lawyer Plank, what gear were you in at the moment of impact.
DEFENDANT: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
PROSECUTOR: And what was the location of the accident?
DEFENDANT: Approximately milepost 499.
PROSECUTOR: And where is milepost 499?
DEFENDANT: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
DEFENDER: Did you blow your horn or anything?
DEFENDANT: After the accident?
DEFENDER: Before the accident.
DEFENDANT: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
PROSECUTOR: You are alleged to have pushed a bus load of lawyers off a cliff at the scenic lookout. Can you explain you actions.
DEFENDANT: I was collecting for the funeral of the late Roger Shaft, QC, and asked the Solicitor General, Marcus McFiddlin, for five dollars to help with the burial. He gave me a hundred and said to bury twenty of them.
DEFENDER: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
DEFENDANT: No. Why would I want to.
PROSECUTOR: You are alleged to have buried a lawyer up to his neck in a snow bank. What were you thinking?
DEFENDANT: It was a good start. The plow would be by soon.
PROSECUTOR: Was it that cold?
DEFENDANT: Well, the lawyer did have his hands in his own pockets.
JUDGE: Gentlemen and ladies, and I use those terms lightly, your line of questioning is quite appalling. When were you called to the bar?
PROSECUTOR: About ten minutes ago your honor.
DEFENDER: They're sampling scotch down at the Legion.
JUDGE: Oh. So you were invited by the defendant's Kinsmen drinking buddies?
DEFENDANT: Yes, your honor. Would you care to join us?
JUDGE: Very well. The defendant is sentenced to three years of community service with the Kinette Club of Eganville. Court adjourned.
The concept for the script came from crossing the convention theme, a related lawyer joke and the existence of The Judge Joe Brown television show. Many of the lines in the script were adapted from quotes taken from actual court proceeding (or so we believe). No lawyers were harmed in the performance of this skit.
National Capital Kin Club