Adult Children Anonymous for the Newcomer (A.C.A. ACoA/DF)
Welcome, readings, Q&A and illustrations introducing Adult Children Anonymous (alcoholic and dysfunctional families), co-dependency and recovery.
Welcome to the Newcomers' section. This part of the site covers much of what A.C.A.s are all about, by way of two of the lead items in the Newcomer's package and the Preamble, Problem and Solution readings used at our meetings. Once you've had a chance to digest these, more on how we tackle these issues is available in the Program Tools section.
- A Letter to the Newcomer
- Tips for Beginners
- The Preamble
- The Problem
- The Solution
- Questions & Answers
Many new people are coming to ACA meetings every day who are distressed and in some stage of unresolved grief. Although some of these people have had years in other "12 Step Programs", many newcomers are bewildered when they are told that the 12 Steps are the solution to "The Problem".
We are all operating in some stage of "Denial", which is how we got
trapped in the first place!
Yet, we know that the steps work. Many of us are recovering Alcoholics, Overeaters, Workaholics, Gamblers and Sex Addicts and we have had personal experience with or have seen first hand, the miracles resulting from working the 12 Steps. Still, we knew what it was we had to give up or abstain from, after we had come out of the "Denial", and that we could not do it alone.
One young lady attending her first ACA meeting, expressed it this way (passionately, nearly in tears): "When I heard "The Problem", I knew that finally I had found others like myself and that this was home, at last. But I’m confused. I know that in AA you give up alcohol, in OA you abstain from food, but in ACA, just what do you give up for recovery?"
Many of us felt that we had already given up so much in our lives that we
had nothing more to give. We needed explanations to what had happened to
us as children. We needed our reality validated that there really was a
problem, that it was not just our imagination! We needed to go through the
identification process that AA and Al-Anons and OA go through and to come out of
our dreamlike state, dropping layers of denial at whatever gradient was comfortable
for us, by sharing "what happened" and "what’s happening right
now" in a safe and loving family environment. So that we can begin to
see that we are recreating what happened to us as children, in the present, and
begin to break the trap circuits. Not by giving up something, but through
the process of self discovery, realizing that we don’t have to keep doing it.
Thus, becoming our own parent, and giving ourselves permission to be right
where we are, owing ourselves both the "good" and the "bad",
and making our own choices.
Many
of us had to "act out" our stages of grief and "feel our
feelings", that we had never allowed ourselves to express in our own
families. Some of us had to put some order to the many years of
"seeking". Searching for answers, in books, psychotherapy
sessions, past experiences and conversations with friends or professionals whom
we somehow knew did not understand and could not help. Now realizing that
it was all valuable, and a part of our growth experience that brought us to this
new beginning, we get to keep all we learned.
We needed to enter into a process of self discovery. We needed to learn what "Denial" is and how it operates in our lives, and how the process of sharing peels denial off one layer at a time, raising our consciousness, and giving us vision and choices we never thought possible.
Just reading the educational material now available, blew in change and brought
us closer to home. Some of us had such "control" of our emotions
that it took biofeedback sessions just to get through our suits of armour and
prove to us that we really had "stuffed" feelings, that we could begin
to experience them and gradually come unstuck from our various stages of grief.
Many of us discovered that we could not love ourselves or let others touch us or love us. We needed to know why… and to discover that this was connected to loss… loss of self-esteem, and that we could get it back, or in some cases begin to really experience it for the first time. Some were not ready to hear about "love" or "God", having felt abandoned by God.
Once the "whys" and the missing pieces" of our life mosaic gradually began to fill in, we began to see and admit our part, take responsibility for it, and finally to make peace with our parents and our past.
(as used by Ottawa's Monday Night "Courage to Change" Group)
It is indeed confusing to walk into an Adult Children Anonymous meeting for the first time. Congratulations on your bravery. In these rooms you are welcome to share the confusion and pain that has haunted you.
Do
you qualify for membership? Many beginners feel that they are not entitled
to be in the rooms. There may have been no alcoholism in your family, but
if you identify with the laundry list, you probably belong. Adult children
of compulsive gamblers, over-eaters, sex addicts, and generally dysfunctional
families have found help and acceptance in these rooms. If you identify
with us, you are welcome to consider yourself one of us. You may hear words
that are new to you.: lost child, hero, scapegoat, mascot, codependent, the child
within. Read the literature or simply listen and you will understand.
You may also hear about spiritual recovery and the 12 Steps. This is not
a religious movement, but many of us have found that a belief a power greater
than ourselves has been helpful. It is not necessary to have religious
beliefs, or even to believe in God to participate in this program.
More than one beginner has complained, "But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What are the rules? How does it work?" Strange as it sounds, there are no rules or explanations, except to keep coming to the meetings. Here are a few hints to keep in mind.
- Attend six meetings before you decide if A.C.A. is for you. This is the traditional wisdom. Why not five or seven? A good question. Six has become the magic number. What you hear may make you sad, uncomfortable or angry. You may feel out of sorts the next day. This is a result of bringing up painful memories from the past. Try to examine your feelings.
Try
different meetings. At the present time, there are a number of
different meetings at different times and locations in the Ottawa-Carleton
area (and likely some choice also exists for those living elsewhere).
We try to make every meeting a safe place, but you may feel more comfortable
in some more than in others. Sample and select. Take what you
want and leave the rest.- Speak up at the meetings. It might be difficult for you to speak. It has been for others as well. We will embrace you. Share with us. Once you speak, others may identify with and perhaps grow from your sharing. More importantly, you will. This stuff works.
- Don’t take rejection too personally. It hurts when a friendly overture is rebuffed, especially as we all feel particularly vulnerable in these rooms. It has happened to everyone. Remember that each of us is here because of conflicts and problems. Some friction and disappointment are inevitable. Try to talk things out.
- Try to keep the focus on yourself and your feelings. While it is painful and difficult to do so, we are in these rooms for ourselves to feel our feelings. Lecturing, advice giving, unsolicited feedback, commentary on others and "fixing" are detrimental to others’ recovery as well as to our own. Focus on your past, your feelings, your problems, your patterns. This is not selfish, it is healthy.
- Don’t follow leaders. Be wary of anyone who acts as an authority or sponsor. We A.C.A.s are each responsible for our own recovery, which comes through the development of our inner voice. The program is unique to each of us; we must learn to trust ourselves. We have no officials and our chairpersons are only trusted servants. There is no "approved" literature; we can all write it. Anyone can start a meeting. We have no spokesperson, representatives or experts. Each one of us is an expert in our own pain., in our own needs, in our own recovery.
- Fellowship. If there is someone you identify with, you might tell them so after the meeting. The groups usually have fellowship at a cafeteria or restaurant after the meeting. Invite yourself, or ask another A.C.A. to join you. Isolation is part of this disease and you can break it.
- Sharing outside the meeting. Pick up a telephone number list. While going through this exciting, painful process, it is enormously helpful to have other A.C.A.s to call in times of stress and need. Ask for people’s phone numbers (some may say no). It is hard to lift up that phone and admit your pain, but we have all been there.
- Be careful of relationships. Over the years, many adult children have had difficult experiences in "relationships" with other members of the A.C.A. fellowship - a practice also know as "Thirteenth Stepping". These unhappy experiences have at times resulted in one, or even both of the individuals involved leaving the group. We recommend you talk to your group’s Group Service Representative ("G.S.R.") about problems you may encounter in relationships with other group members.
Reach out for help!
Lastly, remember that this is a program of spiritual recovery. We practice anonymity and try to have no gossip or criticism among us. If any of the above is helpful, terrific. Everyone recovers at their own pace. Just keep coming back- it works.
(as used by Ottawa's Wednesday Night "Search for Serenity" Group)
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Adult Children Anonymous (or "A.C.A."), is a group formed for those suffering from the effects of addiction and compulsive behaviour in our home environment during childhood. |
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The A.C.A. program is not a forum for continually wallowing in our unfortunate past, but rather one of awareness, acceptance and action. We become aware of the nature of our disturbed home environment and experience again the feelings of panic, suppressed anger and disorientation we felt as children. We learn to accept that our parents did the best they could. However, they managed to create in us many compulsive characteristics which now interfere with our daily lives. |
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Through experiencing exactly those feelings and attitudes prohibited to us as children, we have learned to overcome the confusion, isolation and self-doubt created automatically as part of survival techniques we used in our home environments. |
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This process is slow and usually extremely painful. Our recovery comes at a high price of personal effort, but for the newcomer we can assure you it's worth the struggle. |
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Recovery is not instantaneous. The period of growth and progress can bring minor setbacks, but once you begin to work the program, positive personality change is inevitable. By learning to express emotions and feelings long suppressed, we replace negativity with hope and a new sense of self-worth. |
(as used by Ottawa's Monday Night "Courage to Change" Group)
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Many of us find that we have several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in a dysfunctional household. |
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We came to feel isolated, uneasy with other people… especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our identities in the process. Personal criticism is perceived as a threat. We either become addicts ourselves or marry them, or both. Failing that, we find another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment. |
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We live life from the standpoint of victims. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and prefer to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We somehow get guilt feelings if we stand up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus we become reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. |
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We are dependent personalities, who are terrified of abandonment and… will do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we keep choosing insecure relationships, because they match our childhood relationship with dysfunctional parents. Thus, addiction can be seen as a family disease and we can see ourselves as "co-dependents": those who take on the characteristics of a disease without necessarily ever using chemicals or behaviour to mood alter. |
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We learned to stuff our feelings down in childhood and keep them buried as adults through that conditioning. In consequence, we confuse love and pity and tend to love those we can rescue and- even more self defeating- we become addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upsets to workable relationships. |
This is a description, not an indictment.
(as used by Ottawa's Monday Night "Courage to Change" Group)
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We are the survivors of addiction and abuse in the family of our childhood. We have found, however, that some of the tools and roles used to cope with the crisis of alcoholism now interfere with our present lives. |
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By attending A.C.A. meetings and sharing our experiences, we find we can admit our powerlessness over the disease of addiction, begin to heal old wounds, lose the sense of being inferior or worthless and help ourselves weed out attitudes that disrupt our present lives. We begin to gain a healthy perspective on our feelings and the feelings of others. Through a willingness to pursue in depth the root of childhood feelings and experiences, we are able to begin watching for present-day self-destructive patterns, recognize these patterns, and make better choices for ourselves. |
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We encourage sharing and trusting with co-sponsors who can help us. We also find that trust, fellowship and service with our support group can aid our growth. Above all, practicing the principles of the Twelve-Step Program on a daily basis helps us to change sick attitudes and characteristics that have plagued us for years and made our lives unmanageable. |
(as used by Ottawa's Monday Night "Courage to Change" Group)
Here are a number of questions often posed by newcomers:
- Is A.C.A. a professional association or a lobby group?
- How do I become an A.C.A. member?
- Does it cost anything to join?
- Am I required to participate in A.C.A.?
- What do members mean by saying "My name is... and I qualify"?
- What are the "Twelve Steps"? Is A.C.A. a religion?
- Is it necessary for me to do the Twelve Steps?
- Is there "sponsorship" in A.C.A.?
- What is co-dependency?
- What is meant by recovery? How do I know if I am doing it right? Will I ever get over all of the negative effects of my childhood? How long before I start to get well?
- What is Intergroup?
Is A.C.A. a professional association or a lobby group?
It is neither.
A.C.A. is a support group or self-help fellowship with one purpose: to heal ourselves and to carry our message of hope to other A.C.A.s who are still suffering. We have no direct affiliation with other A.C.A. groups; while sharing common traditions, each remains autonomous.
How do I become an A.C.A. member?
By attending one or more meetings. You do not have to give us your name, address, phone number or anything else. However, individual groups may keep a membership list for their own purposes, such as calling business meetings and notifying members of upcoming events or change in time or location of the meetings. Remember that A.C.A. is an anonymous program and we do not use our full names publicly when we speak (or write) about A.C.A.. We each have the right to choose our own level of anonymity.
Does it cost anything to join?
Membership in A.C.A. is absolutely free. There are no dues or fees. We are self-supporting through our own voluntary contributions, which cover the costs of insurance, security deposits, copying, literature, stationery and other expenses of running the meetings. Revenues over and above the costs for individual group may be donated to Intergroup to cover costs incurred by the program as a whole, as well as helping to finance A.C.A. conventions and other special events.
Am I required to participate in A.C.A.?
No. You do not need to speak or offer your services to A.C.A. in any way. Anything you say at a meeting, anything you undertake to do for your group or for A.C.A. as a whole is entirely voluntary. We will always respect your right to say "No" if there is anything you do not want to do. However, it is with love and respect that we hope you will participate in A.C.A., either by sharing your feelings at a meeting, chairing a meeting, becoming a group secretary, acting as an Intergroup representative or an Executive member or in any other capacity. We are all needed here. We have found that participation is helpful for our own growth and we are grateful for whatever you may contribute to this fellowship. Remember, even just your attendance is appreciated. The most important person in A.C.A. sits in your chair. Without you, there would be no meeting.
What do members mean by saying "My name is... and I qualify"?
When you hear someone introduce themself, at one of our meetings, in the above manner, they mean that they identify with the characteristics of an adult child as expressed by our fellowship. Additionally, our 3rd Tradition states: "The only requirement for membership is a compulsive (dysfunctional) family background and a desire to become well emotionally". If this sounds like you, you belong too. The above, coupled with the 1st Tradition, guarantees you full rights and respect in our fellowship.
What are the "Twelve Steps"? Is A.C.A. a religion?
The Twelve Steps are only one of a variety of tools of recovery that are offered in our fellowship. Using or discussing the Twelve Steps is strictly voluntary. "Take what you need and leave the rest" is our motto. Taken from the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, we have modified this spiritual tool to better suit the needs of our members. At our meetings, one will hear such spiritual terms as "God, Higher Power, Moral Inventory, Making Amends" and "Prayer". Please do not be put off by such terms. We use such terms in a spiritual sense. In any case, one has the wide and complete freedom to have one's own understanding of such terms. We do not impose such matters on anyone. Our aim is to improve our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. The Twelve Steps are just one tool, amongst many, that we can choose to use or not.
A.C.A. is not a religion. The Twelve Steps are a program for personal recovery from addiction and compulsive behaviour, when all attempts at control or cessation by virtue or willpower have failed. Originally part of the Alcoholics Anonymous program, we (and many other programs) have adopted the Twelve Steps with minor changes, as they have proven effective in treating alcoholism and other addictions for over fifty years. If you have read the 12-Steps or heard them read out at a meeting you will have heard such terms as those in the paragraph above. Sometimes, with a person's previous experience of religion, one can be put off quite quickly by these. Furthermore, others may be quite offended at the thought of relying on God, when they feel it was "He" who let them down as children. Still others, burdened with shame and guilt from having been told all their lives overtly or covertly that they are "the cause" of their parents drinking or acting out behaviour, might jump head first into the steps and use them as a big stick to beat themselves with. Neither of these extreme attitudes will be healthy for you and it is better to let the Steps be for awhile until you have a better understanding of A.C.A. issues and of your childhood experiences.
Listen to what others in the program have to say about the Steps and if necessary get some professional help and/or spiritual counselling. Remember that the Steps are a tool for spiritual growth, not to increase your level of shame. It has been our experience that recovery is a spiritual journey in search of the beautiful unique and loveable beings that each of us was created to be. Ultimately we feel that all recovery is indeed, spiritual.
Is it necessary for me to do the Twelve Steps?
In a word, no. That is entirely your choice. They are simply a suggested program of recovery. They may also be interpreted to suit your own individual needs depending upon the stage of recovery where you find yourself. There are several books available, in local bookstores, that are used by A.C.A.s which can serve as guides for working the Twelve Steps in your life. There are also discussion groups where these are addressed and, from time to time, special "family groups" or writing groups are formed in A.C.A. specifically to deal with working the Twelve Steps.
Is there "sponsorship" in A.C.A.?
In the Ottawa area we support co-sponsorship as opposed to sponsorship.
Those who have been in other Twelve Step programs, such as AA and Al-Anon will be familiar with the concept of "Sponsorship". This is where a long-standing member in the program works with a newcomer as a guide and mentor. In A.C.A., while we are not necessarily opposed to the idea, we are not entirely in favour of it. We feel that with our individual histories we are pre-disposed to "care-taking" others rather than taking care of ourselves. For many of us this has had dire consequences.
There is a fine line between effective sponsorship and co-dependence. Therefore, we have opted for the concept of "co-sponsorship". Co-sponsorship means that we encourage the exchange of names and phone numbers between members, whether newcomers or old timers, and "share" our experiences, strength and hope with one another as caring brothers and sisters who are all on the road to recovery. There is no seniority here. We take it "One Day At A Time".
We all have something to share regardless of the length of time in the program, which might benefit another. We are all in need of love and support because after all, life will never be easy. Remember that the time and energy you invest in personal contacts between meetings will be returned to you in full measure. There are none among us who could not do with a little love for little or no charge.
What is co-dependency?
You can talk to a dozen experts, read a dozen books and get a dozen different interpretations. Many accept it as a disease in as much as it has an onset, is progressive, predictable and in time potentially fatal, although other causes of death are generally cited. It is assumed that all A.C.A.s are co-dependents, but we each act out this illness in a different way. Basically, there are two general concepts:
1. As children growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home environment, we learned to hide or dissociate our feelings, our true selves (also knows as the "Inner Child") and we adopted a survival role in order to cope with the stresses. The experts in the field of alcoholism have identified four main roles which although not always mutually exclusive, seem apparent in all children from dysfunctional homes. The four roles are: The Hero, The Scapegoat, The Mascot and The Lost Child. Most of us discover that we identify with one or more of these roles, and find ourselves in the process of trying to separate our true selves from our childhood role.
2. In relationships, many A.C.A.s find that, as a result of the traumatic bonding with our sick parents, we are now drawn to relationships with alcoholics or addicts of one sort or another. We become addicted to these dysfunctional people to the point that our own lives revolve around the addict, to our own detriment. We have difficulty in "letting go" because we convince ourselves that we are "in love" and that we need this other person in order to feel fulfilled. In short, co-dependents are "people pleasers". We have lived our lives focused on significant others in our lives rather than living from our own beingness, adapting to the wants and needs of others rather than from our own agenda.
In A.C.A. we give up this "other centredness" and begin (perhaps for the first time) to be "self-centred". Not in the narrow, egotistical or narcissistic sense, but in a healthy way that builds self-esteem and self-confidence. We learn to love ourselves. This is sometimes referred to as "re-parenting or self-parenting". We are re-programming our inner child, giving up the "old tapes", the beliefs and the projections of our parents. We grieve our losses and become the ones we are, rather than what someone else tried to make us.
What is meant by recovery? How do I know if I am doing it right? Will I ever get over all of the negative effects of my childhood? How long before I start to get well?
Recovery is a process. perhaps, more aptly, we should call it "discovery" because we begin to discover who we really are, what really happened to us (validation) and what we can do about it. We gain a sense of inner peace, self-confidence and connectedness (within ourselves and the rest of the world). Most of us feel that once we have come to A.C.A. and have identified with the symptoms or issues we have in common, the process has begun.
Having begun, your life will begin to change, though this may not always immediately be apparent. Be forewarned, that it is not always a pleasant road. But as they say, "no pain, no gain". While each case is different, the experts generally feel that on average, it may take three to five years before things begin to level out for you. But the rewards are worth the effort. Be patient with yourself and share with us what you are going through. Trust us. We will not tell you that you are wrong or that you are crazy. We accept you as you are. Remember, we have been there too!
And whatever you are experiencing right now, remember that "this too shall pass". Will it be all better? Probably not all better, but there will be significant positive change. However, we each make progress in our own way, at our own pace and we should not compare ourselves to others. Recovery is a personal matter. It amounts to your becoming the beautiful, loveable you that you were meant to be.
What is Intergroup?
Intergroup serves to provide communication between the A.C.A. groups in the local area and to communicate with outside agencies on behalf of the A.C.A. fellowship in general. Specifically: Intergroup is a body for coordination and facilitation, comprised of representatives from each group; it consists of a Chairperson, a Co-chairperson, a Secretary, a Treasurer, and others. All positions in the Intergroup body are filled by volunteers from within A.C.A.
The Intergroup for Canada's National Capital Region meets on the third Monday of each month, at Saint Paul University to discuss issues and vote on matters affecting A.C.A. as a whole, as well as to assimilate and dispense common information, such as brochures, meeting lists and newsletters. Intergroup also receives and manages funds donated by A.C.A. groups, which are used to cover group liability insurance and finance printing of meeting lists, A.C.A. brochures, newsletters, telephone line, miscellaneous notes and other public information. All such expenses are underwritten by agreement of the Intergroup members. To contact the N.C.R. Intergroup you may either speak with your Group Services Representative ("G.S.R.") or write or call the N.C.R. Intergroup.
(questions and answers drawn, with minor updates, from those posted by
Ottawa's Tuesday Night "Inner Peace" Group)